Tag Archives: understanding

Creative Burnout

What’s that? Ah yes, the last few ounces of creativity seeping out of these fingertips. As of late, it has been extremely difficult to get anything done. I haven’t written anything in over a week, and that certainly doesn’t feel good or normal in the least bit. Over the years, I’ve grown accustomed to the affliction known as creator burnout, writer’s block, and you get the point. When you’re creating something from nothing, it does not always happen how you envision it.

It’s no surprise that I have been struggling as of late. Deep down at my core, I am an extremely empathetic person, and I don’t handle the sudden onslaught of being overstimulated. There is so much going on in the world right now, even just in my daily life, and it becomes so overwhelming I frequently find myself retreating deep inwards, and it gets dark. Clearly, I forgot matches or a flashlight. My usual methods of pulling myself out of this mindset have been thrown out the window. (The metaphorical kind, not real windows. I wouldn’t be typing right now if I actually threw shit out of an actual window.) I digress, somewhere in my brain that little switch did not go off this time, giving me some sort of warning of what lies ahead.

I have primarily been living like a fucking automaton. My hands are working off of muscle memory right now. Sometimes I feel like crying, and the next moment I’m completely fine. The jokes always on me because this is the same old self-destructive behavior I have displayed in the past. Truthfully I thought I left those issues somewhere on the side of the road a long time ago. Pulling yourself out the same dark place over and over again is so frustrating and tiring. I always assumed one day my brain would just be like, “Okay, cool, we’re done with all of that now,” and obviously it does not work that way, can confirm. For some reason, I chose to ignore every warning sign my brain has ever given me these past few weeks.

So I ask myself, what am I hiding from? Who do I not want to confront right now? Usually, it’s my own issues. Also, I am just now realizing that this whole post is mostly about my current mental state and not “tips on how to handle creator burnout,” but in my not-so-humble opinion, the two go hand in hand. I guess I just always feel like I need people to know that it’s okay not to be okay, you know? Not every day is going to be a good one, but I’m trying my best to figure out how to make every day at least a decent one instead of an outright shitty day. It’s all about shifting perspective and focus from one invasive thought to something less intrusive. I like to remind myself that I chose this new path in life, and not everything is going to be alright all of the time.

Accepting that fact will make my life much easier and probably a little less chaotic.

Until next time

Then and now

There used to be a time in my life where I was prolific in blogging, it consumed my whole world. I didn’t have any particular reason for blogging. Still, it was the early 2000’s, and at some point, I’m pretty sure I had 3 or 4 different blogs going at any one point in time. That was then, and this is now. So what makes this different? Not quite sure yet, but I can definitively say that I am enjoying every moment of it.

In the middle of March of this year, I had to make some big life decisions about my continued education and “what I wanted to do with my life.” In retrospect, I don’t think I could have made a better decision. This was about a week before we went into official quarantine, and making tough decisions during a global pandemic seems futile. However, I don’t think I can remember a time when I have been this comfortable and at ease with who I am.

By nature, I am an incredibly anxious person, always worrying about the “what ifs” of life instead of focusing on the present moment. Once I stopped worrying so damn much about what could or would have been, I started becoming more me than I have ever felt in years. There has undoubtedly been a shift in consciousness for me. One of the most important choices I made was not continuing my higher education. Instead, I decided to live life on my own terms instead of at the mercy of a broken education system that could literally care less. Nothing broke my heart more than dropping out of my environmental sustainability program because I wanted to save the world in my head. How cliche of me.

In the months that followed, it has been nothing but a discovery of self and soul. I tapered off of an incredibly dangerous antidepressant that wasn’t doing shit for me (Zoloft, that’s a story for another day). I have connected with some of the most beautiful, kind, and loving human beings through a shared love of a twitch stream. This turned into joining a discord server, and next thing I know, I am joining late-night house parties (the app). I began learning about the lives of others, their pain, struggles, and victories. It has been a beautiful journey letting others in, opening myself up, and being the most vulnerable and genuine version of myself again. It has been a strange and chaotic road that has led me to where I am now.

So, where am I now? Currently amid a wondrous new beginning, the next chapter of my life, and for the first time, I’m writing new chapters, not someone else.

Until next time