Tag Archives: renew

Realizations of change

These past few months have been mentally taxing on me, and most everything in my life changed so rapidly. The domino effect but make it stressful, not sexy. I would like to tell you that quitting everything and starting over was easy, but it is not. There is no way around the stress and panic of not knowing when you will get paid next or if you made the right decisions that led up to this moment.

I have spent the last decade of my life doubting, putting down, and misleading myself. There is no “one” conventional path in life. We all walk differently. I have always thought that life was never supposed to be easy, because good things don’t come without a cost, right? Wrong, not everything has to be difficult, sometimes we make a situation more difficult to sabotage ourselves because we don’t know any other way. Oh, this one is my favorite! When you pretend to not care about something, you have worked so hard on in your life and no one giving one ounce of a fuck. I digress, life is hard, you get it.

Becoming one with the change and having those realizations that you are not perfect and sometimes being congratulated for something really does not matter in the grand scheme of life. So I decided to become who I wanted to be, not what socially acceptable construct has been chosen for me. I am no longer tied down to spending 30 plus hours a week with my face jammed in a book trying to remember facts that won’t pay my bills. I spent so much time arming myself with knowledge and not knowing what to do with it. So I turned my hands into weapons, became a crusader of the lost pen. And my thoughts become quieter as I release the words into the world with pride and watch them sail away beyond vast blue skies.

Now you may be asking what the hell my point is, and I’m almost there, stick with me a little longer. Are you still here? Okay good. My point is I set myself free. I am no longer in the financial aid rejection club or thinking thoughts such as “I should have studied harder even though this will not matter in 6 months.” It’s all semantics.

Change is not all bad, it’s equal parts what you make of it and how well you handle it. As Bruce Lee possibly once said at some point in time, “Be water, my friend.” You become the form you shape for yourself, put water in a cup, it becomes a cup, put it in a bottle; it becomes the bottle. Don’t resist the change. Go with the flow of life, and you won’t have to swim so damn hard.

Until next time

So, what comes next?

Ah yes, the after moments of achieving a milestone in one’s life often feels anticlimactic. The come down from the serotonin high and adrenaline rush that follows a completion of sorts. I have been an emotional wreck this past week after publishing my first poetry book. I suddenly felt the finality of what was a culmination of ten plus years of writing, and I felt like I was fumbling around in the dark, looking for the damn light switch.

Now, deep down, I know I have only just started this new and fantastical journey, and there are many more speed bumps and hurdles I’ll cross.

At this very moment, all I have is the start of a new day, and I’m entirely content with that.

I will spend my day with a tiny group of family, celebrating my 29th birthday immensely proud of myself. Probably for the first time in years, I can say I’m proud of myself.

The only consistency I have had is holding on to my education as a crutch. I would make excuses for not having a “career” or a stable job because I never wanted any of those things, not really. What I want is freedom, creatively, physically, emotionally. I was never meant to operate on a regular schedule or the typical nine to five.

The very thought causes me a lot of anxiety, and I consider myself extremely lucky that I live in a time where I can make my OWN rules and schedules. Yes, I’ll have to work my ass off, but it’s all worth it.

I genuinely don’t mind being up until almost six in the morning writing, laughing, making beautiful human connections. And then waking up at two in the afternoon making some espresso, coffee and listening to music. I generally don’t worry about the banality of most people’s routines, nor do I look down upon it. Everyone is different, and I love that. What works for some will not work for others, and so it goes.

My wise words of the day: take some deep breaths, sing your goddamn heart out and tell someone you care about that you love them, always tell them.

Until next time


Also go buy my book if that’s what you’re in to.