Tag Archives: love

So it goes

I am taking full advantage of my current creative inspiration and getting as much writing done as possible. I had previously been working on several short stories, all unfinished, but they were progressing well. Depression really is a bitch, and with everything going on in the world right now, I felt like I was drowning, falling deeper into the abyss. I often find it easier to let the darkness envelop me and just embrace it until I find my way out again.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned this year is to focus on myself first and then everyone else second. Some have called me selfish, but anyone who struggles with depression and mental illness knows how fucking hard it can be to roll out of bed. And so it goes, people will always judge you no matter what. You have this inner turmoil that eats away at you as if everything else wasn’t enough. More often than not, I find myself curled back up in my bed, ignoring every single responsibility. It bites me in the ass later, but in that current moment, I do what I have to so I don’t go insane.

One of the most positive things that have come out of quarantine is “meeting” some of the most amazing people online. There are a few that I now call some of my closest friends, and I don’t go a day without talking to them. Making friends in your late 20’s is difficult, and I consider myself so incredibly lucky to have found them. They have been my solace through the shit storm that is my brain. The comfort we find in familiarity and acceptance is often ineffable. To be understood, without having to explain yourself, it is truly a beautiful experience.

Until next time

Available in paperback and Kindle now!

Hi, buy my book please and thank you

Inspiration from old friends

Last night I had a friend message me out of the blue, and it sparked that fire in me again to create. I found inspiration is his new creative journey. When someone talks about something they love with ferocity and passion, you can feel it rising in your soul, pleading with you to let it out! I don’t know how long this inspiration will last, nor do I care at this current moment. Sometimes it takes something so minute to put you back in your place. Not to mention that I have certainly not been consistent with my posts on here or on my Instagram, I really needed that awakening.

This won’t be a long post. I know that much, but I felt the urge to write, and that’s the most incredible feeling of all. Anyone who gets writer’s block or has depression knows that it’s incredibly hard to find that specific thing that triggers your brain from delirium and back into the realm of creativity. With my newfound inspiration, I fully intend to use every spare moment I have because nothing this good lasts, trust me, I know. When the universe or whatever you may believe in starts screaming at you in clear signs instead of codes and complicated riddles, you take it and run.

I am fully prepared for the creative crash that will more than likely happen in a few days, maybe even hours from now, but here, I feel alive again. And for me, that makes all the difference.

Until next time

Also here is the link to my book, it’s available in Kindle and paperback!

Hi, buy my book please and thank you

Combating dark thoughts in difficult times

What do you do when you feel like your whole world is collapsing in on itself? You slay the darkness with your dragon fire heart and keep pushing forward. Nothing is permanent, and you WILL get through this. Sometimes it gets incredibly dark inside of my mind. Unsavory thoughts take up vacancy without asking for my permission, a little rude if you ask me.

When I consume too much news and social media, it all goes to shit real fast. It usually results in me locking myself away for a few days, not answering anyone’s messages or phone calls (yes, I still get those, weird, right?). I become one with the darkness, and it consumes all my waking hours. I might as well glue my eyelids open for the foreseeable future because sleep is not an option.

My mind will not concede, like a politician who knows they have lost the race but does not want to admit it yet. Because admitting defeat is considered a weakness, in most cases. I never look at it this way, sometimes you have to give in and let go to free yourself from the internal war going on. It is absolutely acceptable to not be okay right now, in our current political climate, and with a global pandemic still going on but not being covered as much in the news, both of which are extremely important. Life is hard sometimes, okay? I’m sure most of you can relate.

This time I really don’t have a point or “lesson” I so desperately needed a safe place to write down how I’m feeling and processing everything that is happening. Well, I guess that kind of is the point of my blog if you have read the about me section. In other less depressing news, I have been toying with the idea of putting a “featured poets” section on this site. I’m probably going to do an Instagram or Facebook poll and see what kind of feedback I get. Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments or just any thoughts that you feel you need to release yourself from and let go of, that’s totally an option. You can find all of my socials down below or on the top of the site feel free to check them out. You know maybe give them a follow? That would be much appreciated.

Until next time

Realizations of change

These past few months have been mentally taxing on me, and most everything in my life changed so rapidly. The domino effect but make it stressful, not sexy. I would like to tell you that quitting everything and starting over was easy, but it is not. There is no way around the stress and panic of not knowing when you will get paid next or if you made the right decisions that led up to this moment.

I have spent the last decade of my life doubting, putting down, and misleading myself. There is no “one” conventional path in life. We all walk differently. I have always thought that life was never supposed to be easy, because good things don’t come without a cost, right? Wrong, not everything has to be difficult, sometimes we make a situation more difficult to sabotage ourselves because we don’t know any other way. Oh, this one is my favorite! When you pretend to not care about something, you have worked so hard on in your life and no one giving one ounce of a fuck. I digress, life is hard, you get it.

Becoming one with the change and having those realizations that you are not perfect and sometimes being congratulated for something really does not matter in the grand scheme of life. So I decided to become who I wanted to be, not what socially acceptable construct has been chosen for me. I am no longer tied down to spending 30 plus hours a week with my face jammed in a book trying to remember facts that won’t pay my bills. I spent so much time arming myself with knowledge and not knowing what to do with it. So I turned my hands into weapons, became a crusader of the lost pen. And my thoughts become quieter as I release the words into the world with pride and watch them sail away beyond vast blue skies.

Now you may be asking what the hell my point is, and I’m almost there, stick with me a little longer. Are you still here? Okay good. My point is I set myself free. I am no longer in the financial aid rejection club or thinking thoughts such as “I should have studied harder even though this will not matter in 6 months.” It’s all semantics.

Change is not all bad, it’s equal parts what you make of it and how well you handle it. As Bruce Lee possibly once said at some point in time, “Be water, my friend.” You become the form you shape for yourself, put water in a cup, it becomes a cup, put it in a bottle; it becomes the bottle. Don’t resist the change. Go with the flow of life, and you won’t have to swim so damn hard.

Until next time

So, what comes next?

Ah yes, the after moments of achieving a milestone in one’s life often feels anticlimactic. The come down from the serotonin high and adrenaline rush that follows a completion of sorts. I have been an emotional wreck this past week after publishing my first poetry book. I suddenly felt the finality of what was a culmination of ten plus years of writing, and I felt like I was fumbling around in the dark, looking for the damn light switch.

Now, deep down, I know I have only just started this new and fantastical journey, and there are many more speed bumps and hurdles I’ll cross.

At this very moment, all I have is the start of a new day, and I’m entirely content with that.

I will spend my day with a tiny group of family, celebrating my 29th birthday immensely proud of myself. Probably for the first time in years, I can say I’m proud of myself.

The only consistency I have had is holding on to my education as a crutch. I would make excuses for not having a “career” or a stable job because I never wanted any of those things, not really. What I want is freedom, creatively, physically, emotionally. I was never meant to operate on a regular schedule or the typical nine to five.

The very thought causes me a lot of anxiety, and I consider myself extremely lucky that I live in a time where I can make my OWN rules and schedules. Yes, I’ll have to work my ass off, but it’s all worth it.

I genuinely don’t mind being up until almost six in the morning writing, laughing, making beautiful human connections. And then waking up at two in the afternoon making some espresso, coffee and listening to music. I generally don’t worry about the banality of most people’s routines, nor do I look down upon it. Everyone is different, and I love that. What works for some will not work for others, and so it goes.

My wise words of the day: take some deep breaths, sing your goddamn heart out and tell someone you care about that you love them, always tell them.

Until next time

Also go buy my book if that’s what you’re in to.

Publishing a book

For as long as I can remember, it has always been my dream to publish a book. I never knew what the contents of it would be, but it was one constant goal of mine in life. I can finally say I kept my promise and followed through. Now, whether or not I make lots of money from it is not my main goal. It would be delightful for it to take off and make a lot! However, I told myself a long time ago to be realistic.

The process of self-publishing is relatively simple through amazon. Coupled with a few other apps that I used to design the cover and text. I was incredibly surprised because it certainly isn’t the way it used to be. There was a long process, you would get a publisher or agent, and things progress from there. I found myself dreaming of a fantasy world where I became a best-seller, went on a book tour, you get the point.

I never thought of it as a pipe dream, but I did recognize that it was not practical. But life isn’t always about being practical and pragmatic. I decided a few months ago that I didn’t want to live life on life’s terms. I wanted to live on my terms without limitations. My lovely late grandmother told me in what was one of the roughest times in my life, and I quote, “you need to take back the remote control and press your own buttons again.” Now, it took me many more years to fully grasp her words, but they stuck with me and continued to carry them through more difficult times in life.

What I’m trying to say is that I took back control. I ended up quitting my environmental sustainability program at university and started to write full time again. It wasn’t my first degree, and as I approach my 29th birthday in a few days, I knew I had made the right choice. Who knows one day I may get another, but it wasn’t right for me anymore. I decided to be selfish for once and take a chance on me. If you’re wondering how It felt or if you weren’t, I’ll tell you anyway. It was terrifying and exhilarating, but I don’t regret any of it. Take a chance on yourself, you might be surprised.

Until next time

Then and now

There used to be a time in my life where I was prolific in blogging, it consumed my whole world. I didn’t have any particular reason for blogging. Still, it was the early 2000’s, and at some point, I’m pretty sure I had 3 or 4 different blogs going at any one point in time. That was then, and this is now. So what makes this different? Not quite sure yet, but I can definitively say that I am enjoying every moment of it.

In the middle of March of this year, I had to make some big life decisions about my continued education and “what I wanted to do with my life.” In retrospect, I don’t think I could have made a better decision. This was about a week before we went into official quarantine, and making tough decisions during a global pandemic seems futile. However, I don’t think I can remember a time when I have been this comfortable and at ease with who I am.

By nature, I am an incredibly anxious person, always worrying about the “what ifs” of life instead of focusing on the present moment. Once I stopped worrying so damn much about what could or would have been, I started becoming more me than I have ever felt in years. There has undoubtedly been a shift in consciousness for me. One of the most important choices I made was not continuing my higher education. Instead, I decided to live life on my own terms instead of at the mercy of a broken education system that could literally care less. Nothing broke my heart more than dropping out of my environmental sustainability program because I wanted to save the world in my head. How cliche of me.

In the months that followed, it has been nothing but a discovery of self and soul. I tapered off of an incredibly dangerous antidepressant that wasn’t doing shit for me (Zoloft, that’s a story for another day). I have connected with some of the most beautiful, kind, and loving human beings through a shared love of a twitch stream. This turned into joining a discord server, and next thing I know, I am joining late-night house parties (the app). I began learning about the lives of others, their pain, struggles, and victories. It has been a beautiful journey letting others in, opening myself up, and being the most vulnerable and genuine version of myself again. It has been a strange and chaotic road that has led me to where I am now.

So, where am I now? Currently amid a wondrous new beginning, the next chapter of my life, and for the first time, I’m writing new chapters, not someone else.

Until next time

Conception of thought

Welcome! If you’re wondering why you’re here, well, I can’t answer that for you, but I’m happy to have you and hope you’ll stick around for this new journey of mine. Firstly, I’d like to introduce myself informally to everyone. My name is Tina, and I have a challenging time trying to talk about myself and convey who I am without it sounding generic and cliche. Here am I, though, opening up my heart and mind.

I would like to preface this introduction with the thought in mind if you are here reading this right now, this is a safe space for everyone. In our current virtually run world, we are all grasping for human connection and security. I’d like to think that this is a place people can come to feel comfortable and safe.

Where was I? Right, yeah, I was ignoring talking about myself. It’s such a strange concept to me, especially considering you can be anyone you want online, and no one would know differently. It’s one thing being vulnerable and another being genuine. It is so hard to convey to others what your true self is. One of the perks of being on the internet is not showing that.

So here I am, learning how to be unapologetically me slowly day by day. On a different note, there is a section on this website that is strictly for books and discussions about them, maybe some healthy debates.

My plan is to pick a book a month and discuss it throughout two or three different posts, hoping that others will chime in and have some good book talk in the comments section.

Until next time