Tag Archives: healing

Where have I been?

My last post was in August, and it has been a wild ride. Buckle up. It’s story time. I decided I wanted to start streaming on twitch, and it really just started out as a complete joke, and then I actually got affiliated and started making money. I’ve honestly been having so much fun with it trying to grow my community of absolutely incredible people. I’m certainly not saying it has been easy by any stretch of the imagination; however, the experiences and memories I’ve made are worth all of the hard work and effort I put into it every day.

For the better half of my life, I have struggled with my appearance and the way I portray myself to others, and actually using a camera to talk to people and connect has made it immensely better for me. It can sometimes be draining, and I frequently push myself a little too hard when I know I should be taking a break, but it’s worth it.

I also had some hilarious flirtationships that turned into friendships. I fell madly deeply truly for someone that wasn’t ready for commitment. It still hurts, and I still think of him often, but such is life, and if someday the universe wills it to be, then so be it. There was that bright side of me that wanted it to work, and for so long, I distanced myself from everyone that came along. I’m not really sure why I let him in. The vulnerability that raw energy just came blazing out of me. I felt alive again but only briefly.

Yes, I know certain people come into your life at the right time, and they’re often a lesson in disguise. I think my walls were built so iron-clad for so many years I needed someone to break them down again to truly see I can love and be loved in return. I’m not saying that I ever told this person I loved them because, frankly, that is just terrifying and would have scared him away more. Still, at the end of the day, I can close my eyes knowing that I took that chance, and yes, it didn’t turn out the way I had hoped, but not everything in life will. That’s just unrealistic. I still talk to him every now and then, but politely and from a safe distance, it’s better off this way.

There have been many beautiful, painful, and absolutely hilarious moments that frequently end in me wheeze laughing or snort laughing until I can’t breathe. It’s the fantastic people I have had the pleasure of getting to know that bring my heart joy and sometimes pain, anger, and frustration, but all of those things are worth valuable genuine friendships. I’m looking forward to creating more content on twitch and all of my other social media platforms. I personally feel like I’ve found that little something I had been missing.

I will end on this note, life throws so much shit at us every day when you find something you enjoy appreciate it because it is often short-lived. We are all living on borrowed time, so make the most of every moment.

Until next time

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So it goes

I am taking full advantage of my current creative inspiration and getting as much writing done as possible. I had previously been working on several short stories, all unfinished, but they were progressing well. Depression really is a bitch, and with everything going on in the world right now, I felt like I was drowning, falling deeper into the abyss. I often find it easier to let the darkness envelop me and just embrace it until I find my way out again.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned this year is to focus on myself first and then everyone else second. Some have called me selfish, but anyone who struggles with depression and mental illness knows how fucking hard it can be to roll out of bed. And so it goes, people will always judge you no matter what. You have this inner turmoil that eats away at you as if everything else wasn’t enough. More often than not, I find myself curled back up in my bed, ignoring every single responsibility. It bites me in the ass later, but in that current moment, I do what I have to so I don’t go insane.

One of the most positive things that have come out of quarantine is “meeting” some of the most amazing people online. There are a few that I now call some of my closest friends, and I don’t go a day without talking to them. Making friends in your late 20’s is difficult, and I consider myself so incredibly lucky to have found them. They have been my solace through the shit storm that is my brain. The comfort we find in familiarity and acceptance is often ineffable. To be understood, without having to explain yourself, it is truly a beautiful experience.

Until next time

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