Tag Archives: happy

A month of doubts and drafts

July 17th, 8:28 p.m present day

Here I am over a month later, and my writing blocks have been worse than I can ever remember. The posts you see below are what happens when I go through these times. A little insight into how I’ve been feeling and what neglecting your mental health does for you. I will be posting more frequently, but I won’t make a promise I cannot keep.

July 7th, 8:04 p.m

Ever since my creative burnout post, I haven’t been able to write a damn thing. I have 11 partial drafts of posts that I kept saying fuck it, I am not in the mood, and it doesn’t sound right. I feel like I’ve been living in a fever dream as of late. I cannot adequately express how weird my mental state has been. I’ll tell you what, it hasn’t been great, that’s for damn sure. I’ve recently thrown myself back into the world of gaming, and it has sucked everything out of me. I love it so much, and it is incredibly fun. However, it’s just another form of escapism. I currently cannot stand being alone with my thoughts for more than 5 minutes without wanting to scream. All of my old standby methods have failed me. 

Also, I stopped writing this post for 5 hours because my brain could not focus enough to type. Currently, there is another severe outbreak of COVID in Florida, and no one takes it seriously here. It’s like some twisted joke, and the whole world laughs at “our” stupidity. Quite frankly, I don’t like it. My intention with this blog has always been putting out quality content and focusing on new ideas.

June 25th 6:44 p/m

It appears I have been avoiding all of my problems and just shoving them down deeper. My avoidant behavior is nothing new to me. Still, for others, they are completely thrown off by it and take extreme offense. Sometimes I just don’t respond to people for weeks or sometimes months. By nature, I am a homebody that likes to occasionally go out and explore the world, but on my own terms. I personally don’t like making plans ahead of time because deep down, I know I will eventually hurt someone’s feelings. 

I never thought that at 29, I would be starting over and trying to do everything on my own. I always feel like a failure, and writing has been one of the hardest challenges I have faced so far. This industry is cutthroat and has no mercy. If there is a formula for becoming a successful writer, please let me know. I have resorted to exploring other avenues in terms of work because I need to make money, and it’s not easy. For what it’s worth, I don’t regret anything and these past 5 months. It has been one hell of a ride. I’ve connected with some of the most incredible humans I have never met before. And being welcomed into a community where I don’t have to pretend to be someone else is fantastic.

Not all of my time has been completely wasted, I do actually accomplish a fair amount of writing. I have been working on short stories more, which is something I never used to do, it’s usually always been poetry or blog-style writing. Maneuvering my way through the technicalities of short story writing hasn’t been too bad, but I will say it’s been more of a learning curve. Every adventure has it’s

June 21st, 4:13 p.m

I have been doubting every decision I have made in the past 3 months and wondering if it will be worth it. I failed to realize that my thoughts and lack of self-love have gotten in the way of watching my dreams come to fruition. By nature, I am a self-sabotaging idiot that gets scared when everything starts going a little too well. I am optimistic by nature, but I don’t nurture it

So, what comes next?

Ah yes, the after moments of achieving a milestone in one’s life often feels anticlimactic. The come down from the serotonin high and adrenaline rush that follows a completion of sorts. I have been an emotional wreck this past week after publishing my first poetry book. I suddenly felt the finality of what was a culmination of ten plus years of writing, and I felt like I was fumbling around in the dark, looking for the damn light switch.

Now, deep down, I know I have only just started this new and fantastical journey, and there are many more speed bumps and hurdles I’ll cross.

At this very moment, all I have is the start of a new day, and I’m entirely content with that.

I will spend my day with a tiny group of family, celebrating my 29th birthday immensely proud of myself. Probably for the first time in years, I can say I’m proud of myself.

The only consistency I have had is holding on to my education as a crutch. I would make excuses for not having a “career” or a stable job because I never wanted any of those things, not really. What I want is freedom, creatively, physically, emotionally. I was never meant to operate on a regular schedule or the typical nine to five.

The very thought causes me a lot of anxiety, and I consider myself extremely lucky that I live in a time where I can make my OWN rules and schedules. Yes, I’ll have to work my ass off, but it’s all worth it.

I genuinely don’t mind being up until almost six in the morning writing, laughing, making beautiful human connections. And then waking up at two in the afternoon making some espresso, coffee and listening to music. I generally don’t worry about the banality of most people’s routines, nor do I look down upon it. Everyone is different, and I love that. What works for some will not work for others, and so it goes.

My wise words of the day: take some deep breaths, sing your goddamn heart out and tell someone you care about that you love them, always tell them.

Until next time

Also go buy my book if that’s what you’re in to.