Tag Archives: depression

So it goes

I am taking full advantage of my current creative inspiration and getting as much writing done as possible. I had previously been working on several short stories, all unfinished, but they were progressing well. Depression really is a bitch, and with everything going on in the world right now, I felt like I was drowning, falling deeper into the abyss. I often find it easier to let the darkness envelop me and just embrace it until I find my way out again.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned this year is to focus on myself first and then everyone else second. Some have called me selfish, but anyone who struggles with depression and mental illness knows how fucking hard it can be to roll out of bed. And so it goes, people will always judge you no matter what. You have this inner turmoil that eats away at you as if everything else wasn’t enough. More often than not, I find myself curled back up in my bed, ignoring every single responsibility. It bites me in the ass later, but in that current moment, I do what I have to so I don’t go insane.

One of the most positive things that have come out of quarantine is “meeting” some of the most amazing people online. There are a few that I now call some of my closest friends, and I don’t go a day without talking to them. Making friends in your late 20’s is difficult, and I consider myself so incredibly lucky to have found them. They have been my solace through the shit storm that is my brain. The comfort we find in familiarity and acceptance is often ineffable. To be understood, without having to explain yourself, it is truly a beautiful experience.

Until next time

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Creative Burnout

What’s that? Ah yes, the last few ounces of creativity seeping out of these fingertips. As of late, it has been extremely difficult to get anything done. I haven’t written anything in over a week, and that certainly doesn’t feel good or normal in the least bit. Over the years, I’ve grown accustomed to the affliction known as creator burnout, writer’s block, and you get the point. When you’re creating something from nothing, it does not always happen how you envision it.

It’s no surprise that I have been struggling as of late. Deep down at my core, I am an extremely empathetic person, and I don’t handle the sudden onslaught of being overstimulated. There is so much going on in the world right now, even just in my daily life, and it becomes so overwhelming I frequently find myself retreating deep inwards, and it gets dark. Clearly, I forgot matches or a flashlight. My usual methods of pulling myself out of this mindset have been thrown out the window. (The metaphorical kind, not real windows. I wouldn’t be typing right now if I actually threw shit out of an actual window.) I digress, somewhere in my brain that little switch did not go off this time, giving me some sort of warning of what lies ahead.

I have primarily been living like a fucking automaton. My hands are working off of muscle memory right now. Sometimes I feel like crying, and the next moment I’m completely fine. The jokes always on me because this is the same old self-destructive behavior I have displayed in the past. Truthfully I thought I left those issues somewhere on the side of the road a long time ago. Pulling yourself out the same dark place over and over again is so frustrating and tiring. I always assumed one day my brain would just be like, “Okay, cool, we’re done with all of that now,” and obviously it does not work that way, can confirm. For some reason, I chose to ignore every warning sign my brain has ever given me these past few weeks.

So I ask myself, what am I hiding from? Who do I not want to confront right now? Usually, it’s my own issues. Also, I am just now realizing that this whole post is mostly about my current mental state and not “tips on how to handle creator burnout,” but in my not-so-humble opinion, the two go hand in hand. I guess I just always feel like I need people to know that it’s okay not to be okay, you know? Not every day is going to be a good one, but I’m trying my best to figure out how to make every day at least a decent one instead of an outright shitty day. It’s all about shifting perspective and focus from one invasive thought to something less intrusive. I like to remind myself that I chose this new path in life, and not everything is going to be alright all of the time.

Accepting that fact will make my life much easier and probably a little less chaotic.

Until next time

Combating dark thoughts in difficult times

What do you do when you feel like your whole world is collapsing in on itself? You slay the darkness with your dragon fire heart and keep pushing forward. Nothing is permanent, and you WILL get through this. Sometimes it gets incredibly dark inside of my mind. Unsavory thoughts take up vacancy without asking for my permission, a little rude if you ask me.

When I consume too much news and social media, it all goes to shit real fast. It usually results in me locking myself away for a few days, not answering anyone’s messages or phone calls (yes, I still get those, weird, right?). I become one with the darkness, and it consumes all my waking hours. I might as well glue my eyelids open for the foreseeable future because sleep is not an option.

My mind will not concede, like a politician who knows they have lost the race but does not want to admit it yet. Because admitting defeat is considered a weakness, in most cases. I never look at it this way, sometimes you have to give in and let go to free yourself from the internal war going on. It is absolutely acceptable to not be okay right now, in our current political climate, and with a global pandemic still going on but not being covered as much in the news, both of which are extremely important. Life is hard sometimes, okay? I’m sure most of you can relate.

This time I really don’t have a point or “lesson” I so desperately needed a safe place to write down how I’m feeling and processing everything that is happening. Well, I guess that kind of is the point of my blog if you have read the about me section. In other less depressing news, I have been toying with the idea of putting a “featured poets” section on this site. I’m probably going to do an Instagram or Facebook poll and see what kind of feedback I get. Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments or just any thoughts that you feel you need to release yourself from and let go of, that’s totally an option. You can find all of my socials down below or on the top of the site feel free to check them out. You know maybe give them a follow? That would be much appreciated.

Until next time