Category Archives: Blog posts

Where have I been?

My last post was in August, and it has been a wild ride. Buckle up. It’s story time. I decided I wanted to start streaming on twitch, and it really just started out as a complete joke, and then I actually got affiliated and started making money. I’ve honestly been having so much fun with it trying to grow my community of absolutely incredible people. I’m certainly not saying it has been easy by any stretch of the imagination; however, the experiences and memories I’ve made are worth all of the hard work and effort I put into it every day.

For the better half of my life, I have struggled with my appearance and the way I portray myself to others, and actually using a camera to talk to people and connect has made it immensely better for me. It can sometimes be draining, and I frequently push myself a little too hard when I know I should be taking a break, but it’s worth it.

I also had some hilarious flirtationships that turned into friendships. I fell madly deeply truly for someone that wasn’t ready for commitment. It still hurts, and I still think of him often, but such is life, and if someday the universe wills it to be, then so be it. There was that bright side of me that wanted it to work, and for so long, I distanced myself from everyone that came along. I’m not really sure why I let him in. The vulnerability that raw energy just came blazing out of me. I felt alive again but only briefly.

Yes, I know certain people come into your life at the right time, and they’re often a lesson in disguise. I think my walls were built so iron-clad for so many years I needed someone to break them down again to truly see I can love and be loved in return. I’m not saying that I ever told this person I loved them because, frankly, that is just terrifying and would have scared him away more. Still, at the end of the day, I can close my eyes knowing that I took that chance, and yes, it didn’t turn out the way I had hoped, but not everything in life will. That’s just unrealistic. I still talk to him every now and then, but politely and from a safe distance, it’s better off this way.

There have been many beautiful, painful, and absolutely hilarious moments that frequently end in me wheeze laughing or snort laughing until I can’t breathe. It’s the fantastic people I have had the pleasure of getting to know that bring my heart joy and sometimes pain, anger, and frustration, but all of those things are worth valuable genuine friendships. I’m looking forward to creating more content on twitch and all of my other social media platforms. I personally feel like I’ve found that little something I had been missing.

I will end on this note, life throws so much shit at us every day when you find something you enjoy appreciate it because it is often short-lived. We are all living on borrowed time, so make the most of every moment.

Until next time

Available in kindle today! (psst I’m working on part 2 right now I can’t wait!)

So it goes

I am taking full advantage of my current creative inspiration and getting as much writing done as possible. I had previously been working on several short stories, all unfinished, but they were progressing well. Depression really is a bitch, and with everything going on in the world right now, I felt like I was drowning, falling deeper into the abyss. I often find it easier to let the darkness envelop me and just embrace it until I find my way out again.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned this year is to focus on myself first and then everyone else second. Some have called me selfish, but anyone who struggles with depression and mental illness knows how fucking hard it can be to roll out of bed. And so it goes, people will always judge you no matter what. You have this inner turmoil that eats away at you as if everything else wasn’t enough. More often than not, I find myself curled back up in my bed, ignoring every single responsibility. It bites me in the ass later, but in that current moment, I do what I have to so I don’t go insane.

One of the most positive things that have come out of quarantine is “meeting” some of the most amazing people online. There are a few that I now call some of my closest friends, and I don’t go a day without talking to them. Making friends in your late 20’s is difficult, and I consider myself so incredibly lucky to have found them. They have been my solace through the shit storm that is my brain. The comfort we find in familiarity and acceptance is often ineffable. To be understood, without having to explain yourself, it is truly a beautiful experience.

Until next time

Available in paperback and Kindle now!

Hi, buy my book please and thank you

Inspiration from old friends

Last night I had a friend message me out of the blue, and it sparked that fire in me again to create. I found inspiration is his new creative journey. When someone talks about something they love with ferocity and passion, you can feel it rising in your soul, pleading with you to let it out! I don’t know how long this inspiration will last, nor do I care at this current moment. Sometimes it takes something so minute to put you back in your place. Not to mention that I have certainly not been consistent with my posts on here or on my Instagram, I really needed that awakening.

This won’t be a long post. I know that much, but I felt the urge to write, and that’s the most incredible feeling of all. Anyone who gets writer’s block or has depression knows that it’s incredibly hard to find that specific thing that triggers your brain from delirium and back into the realm of creativity. With my newfound inspiration, I fully intend to use every spare moment I have because nothing this good lasts, trust me, I know. When the universe or whatever you may believe in starts screaming at you in clear signs instead of codes and complicated riddles, you take it and run.

I am fully prepared for the creative crash that will more than likely happen in a few days, maybe even hours from now, but here, I feel alive again. And for me, that makes all the difference.

Until next time

Also here is the link to my book, it’s available in Kindle and paperback!

Hi, buy my book please and thank you

Digging Deep

If you read my last post, you know how much I have been struggling with writing lately and keeping up with consistent posts. Well, I’ve concluded that having a writer’s block shouldn’t limit me in terms of my blog writing. When it comes to my short stories and future books, absolutely. I always intended this blog to be a fun place to discuss books, life, and mental well being.

When I quit school back in March, I didn’t really have a full vision of my future prospects. I knew I wanted to write, and I was tired of taking orders from other people. There was once a time when I aspired to save the world and become an environmental scientist. I also wanted to be a veterinary technician, graphic designer, paralegal, electrical engineer, and the list goes on. To be fair, I spent a decent amount of time in each of those programs. Eventually, I got bored and moved onto the next failed plan.

None of these failures was anything I would come to regret because, in time, we eventually learn from the mistakes we make and continue to grow (well, most people). With each venture failed, I learned that it wasn’t what I wanted at the time. One of my most significant issues is finding something I love and sticking with it. I love writing with my whole heart, but it doesn’t make a lot of money, at least not so far it hasn’t.

Of course, making money from my writing is a goal of mine. Still, I have to be practical. Enough to realize that I’m going to end up working another soul-sucking job until I actually start earning a decent amount. Who knows, maybe I’ll hit a writer jackpot soon and won’t have to worry, but that’s just wishful thinking. I hope no one is taking what I’m saying is don’t go after your dreams because it absolutely is not. It’s more like go after your dreams but also have a few back-up plans because things have not worked out the way you hoped it would.

One of my many life mottos is being a jack of all trades and master of none because I love to learn and understand many things rather than be a “master” at just one. If you’re anything like I am, you know the struggle of sticking to one thing, and that’s okay. Keep on dreaming, friends, and don’t give up on yourself.

Until next time

Also, go buy my book if that’s what you’re in to. It’s now available in paperback and Kindle versions!

A month of doubts and drafts

July 17th, 8:28 p.m present day

Here I am over a month later, and my writing blocks have been worse than I can ever remember. The posts you see below are what happens when I go through these times. A little insight into how I’ve been feeling and what neglecting your mental health does for you. I will be posting more frequently, but I won’t make a promise I cannot keep.

July 7th, 8:04 p.m

Ever since my creative burnout post, I haven’t been able to write a damn thing. I have 11 partial drafts of posts that I kept saying fuck it, I am not in the mood, and it doesn’t sound right. I feel like I’ve been living in a fever dream as of late. I cannot adequately express how weird my mental state has been. I’ll tell you what, it hasn’t been great, that’s for damn sure. I’ve recently thrown myself back into the world of gaming, and it has sucked everything out of me. I love it so much, and it is incredibly fun. However, it’s just another form of escapism. I currently cannot stand being alone with my thoughts for more than 5 minutes without wanting to scream. All of my old standby methods have failed me. 

Also, I stopped writing this post for 5 hours because my brain could not focus enough to type. Currently, there is another severe outbreak of COVID in Florida, and no one takes it seriously here. It’s like some twisted joke, and the whole world laughs at “our” stupidity. Quite frankly, I don’t like it. My intention with this blog has always been putting out quality content and focusing on new ideas.

June 25th 6:44 p/m

It appears I have been avoiding all of my problems and just shoving them down deeper. My avoidant behavior is nothing new to me. Still, for others, they are completely thrown off by it and take extreme offense. Sometimes I just don’t respond to people for weeks or sometimes months. By nature, I am a homebody that likes to occasionally go out and explore the world, but on my own terms. I personally don’t like making plans ahead of time because deep down, I know I will eventually hurt someone’s feelings. 

I never thought that at 29, I would be starting over and trying to do everything on my own. I always feel like a failure, and writing has been one of the hardest challenges I have faced so far. This industry is cutthroat and has no mercy. If there is a formula for becoming a successful writer, please let me know. I have resorted to exploring other avenues in terms of work because I need to make money, and it’s not easy. For what it’s worth, I don’t regret anything and these past 5 months. It has been one hell of a ride. I’ve connected with some of the most incredible humans I have never met before. And being welcomed into a community where I don’t have to pretend to be someone else is fantastic.

Not all of my time has been completely wasted, I do actually accomplish a fair amount of writing. I have been working on short stories more, which is something I never used to do, it’s usually always been poetry or blog-style writing. Maneuvering my way through the technicalities of short story writing hasn’t been too bad, but I will say it’s been more of a learning curve. Every adventure has it’s

June 21st, 4:13 p.m

I have been doubting every decision I have made in the past 3 months and wondering if it will be worth it. I failed to realize that my thoughts and lack of self-love have gotten in the way of watching my dreams come to fruition. By nature, I am a self-sabotaging idiot that gets scared when everything starts going a little too well. I am optimistic by nature, but I don’t nurture it

Creative Burnout

What’s that? Ah yes, the last few ounces of creativity seeping out of these fingertips. As of late, it has been extremely difficult to get anything done. I haven’t written anything in over a week, and that certainly doesn’t feel good or normal in the least bit. Over the years, I’ve grown accustomed to the affliction known as creator burnout, writer’s block, and you get the point. When you’re creating something from nothing, it does not always happen how you envision it.

It’s no surprise that I have been struggling as of late. Deep down at my core, I am an extremely empathetic person, and I don’t handle the sudden onslaught of being overstimulated. There is so much going on in the world right now, even just in my daily life, and it becomes so overwhelming I frequently find myself retreating deep inwards, and it gets dark. Clearly, I forgot matches or a flashlight. My usual methods of pulling myself out of this mindset have been thrown out the window. (The metaphorical kind, not real windows. I wouldn’t be typing right now if I actually threw shit out of an actual window.) I digress, somewhere in my brain that little switch did not go off this time, giving me some sort of warning of what lies ahead.

I have primarily been living like a fucking automaton. My hands are working off of muscle memory right now. Sometimes I feel like crying, and the next moment I’m completely fine. The jokes always on me because this is the same old self-destructive behavior I have displayed in the past. Truthfully I thought I left those issues somewhere on the side of the road a long time ago. Pulling yourself out the same dark place over and over again is so frustrating and tiring. I always assumed one day my brain would just be like, “Okay, cool, we’re done with all of that now,” and obviously it does not work that way, can confirm. For some reason, I chose to ignore every warning sign my brain has ever given me these past few weeks.

So I ask myself, what am I hiding from? Who do I not want to confront right now? Usually, it’s my own issues. Also, I am just now realizing that this whole post is mostly about my current mental state and not “tips on how to handle creator burnout,” but in my not-so-humble opinion, the two go hand in hand. I guess I just always feel like I need people to know that it’s okay not to be okay, you know? Not every day is going to be a good one, but I’m trying my best to figure out how to make every day at least a decent one instead of an outright shitty day. It’s all about shifting perspective and focus from one invasive thought to something less intrusive. I like to remind myself that I chose this new path in life, and not everything is going to be alright all of the time.

Accepting that fact will make my life much easier and probably a little less chaotic.

Until next time

Combating dark thoughts in difficult times

What do you do when you feel like your whole world is collapsing in on itself? You slay the darkness with your dragon fire heart and keep pushing forward. Nothing is permanent, and you WILL get through this. Sometimes it gets incredibly dark inside of my mind. Unsavory thoughts take up vacancy without asking for my permission, a little rude if you ask me.

When I consume too much news and social media, it all goes to shit real fast. It usually results in me locking myself away for a few days, not answering anyone’s messages or phone calls (yes, I still get those, weird, right?). I become one with the darkness, and it consumes all my waking hours. I might as well glue my eyelids open for the foreseeable future because sleep is not an option.

My mind will not concede, like a politician who knows they have lost the race but does not want to admit it yet. Because admitting defeat is considered a weakness, in most cases. I never look at it this way, sometimes you have to give in and let go to free yourself from the internal war going on. It is absolutely acceptable to not be okay right now, in our current political climate, and with a global pandemic still going on but not being covered as much in the news, both of which are extremely important. Life is hard sometimes, okay? I’m sure most of you can relate.

This time I really don’t have a point or “lesson” I so desperately needed a safe place to write down how I’m feeling and processing everything that is happening. Well, I guess that kind of is the point of my blog if you have read the about me section. In other less depressing news, I have been toying with the idea of putting a “featured poets” section on this site. I’m probably going to do an Instagram or Facebook poll and see what kind of feedback I get. Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments or just any thoughts that you feel you need to release yourself from and let go of, that’s totally an option. You can find all of my socials down below or on the top of the site feel free to check them out. You know maybe give them a follow? That would be much appreciated.

Until next time

Realizations of change

These past few months have been mentally taxing on me, and most everything in my life changed so rapidly. The domino effect but make it stressful, not sexy. I would like to tell you that quitting everything and starting over was easy, but it is not. There is no way around the stress and panic of not knowing when you will get paid next or if you made the right decisions that led up to this moment.

I have spent the last decade of my life doubting, putting down, and misleading myself. There is no “one” conventional path in life. We all walk differently. I have always thought that life was never supposed to be easy, because good things don’t come without a cost, right? Wrong, not everything has to be difficult, sometimes we make a situation more difficult to sabotage ourselves because we don’t know any other way. Oh, this one is my favorite! When you pretend to not care about something, you have worked so hard on in your life and no one giving one ounce of a fuck. I digress, life is hard, you get it.

Becoming one with the change and having those realizations that you are not perfect and sometimes being congratulated for something really does not matter in the grand scheme of life. So I decided to become who I wanted to be, not what socially acceptable construct has been chosen for me. I am no longer tied down to spending 30 plus hours a week with my face jammed in a book trying to remember facts that won’t pay my bills. I spent so much time arming myself with knowledge and not knowing what to do with it. So I turned my hands into weapons, became a crusader of the lost pen. And my thoughts become quieter as I release the words into the world with pride and watch them sail away beyond vast blue skies.

Now you may be asking what the hell my point is, and I’m almost there, stick with me a little longer. Are you still here? Okay good. My point is I set myself free. I am no longer in the financial aid rejection club or thinking thoughts such as “I should have studied harder even though this will not matter in 6 months.” It’s all semantics.

Change is not all bad, it’s equal parts what you make of it and how well you handle it. As Bruce Lee possibly once said at some point in time, “Be water, my friend.” You become the form you shape for yourself, put water in a cup, it becomes a cup, put it in a bottle; it becomes the bottle. Don’t resist the change. Go with the flow of life, and you won’t have to swim so damn hard.

Until next time

So, what comes next?

Ah yes, the after moments of achieving a milestone in one’s life often feels anticlimactic. The come down from the serotonin high and adrenaline rush that follows a completion of sorts. I have been an emotional wreck this past week after publishing my first poetry book. I suddenly felt the finality of what was a culmination of ten plus years of writing, and I felt like I was fumbling around in the dark, looking for the damn light switch.

Now, deep down, I know I have only just started this new and fantastical journey, and there are many more speed bumps and hurdles I’ll cross.

At this very moment, all I have is the start of a new day, and I’m entirely content with that.

I will spend my day with a tiny group of family, celebrating my 29th birthday immensely proud of myself. Probably for the first time in years, I can say I’m proud of myself.

The only consistency I have had is holding on to my education as a crutch. I would make excuses for not having a “career” or a stable job because I never wanted any of those things, not really. What I want is freedom, creatively, physically, emotionally. I was never meant to operate on a regular schedule or the typical nine to five.

The very thought causes me a lot of anxiety, and I consider myself extremely lucky that I live in a time where I can make my OWN rules and schedules. Yes, I’ll have to work my ass off, but it’s all worth it.

I genuinely don’t mind being up until almost six in the morning writing, laughing, making beautiful human connections. And then waking up at two in the afternoon making some espresso, coffee and listening to music. I generally don’t worry about the banality of most people’s routines, nor do I look down upon it. Everyone is different, and I love that. What works for some will not work for others, and so it goes.

My wise words of the day: take some deep breaths, sing your goddamn heart out and tell someone you care about that you love them, always tell them.

Until next time

Also go buy my book if that’s what you’re in to.

Publishing a book

For as long as I can remember, it has always been my dream to publish a book. I never knew what the contents of it would be, but it was one constant goal of mine in life. I can finally say I kept my promise and followed through. Now, whether or not I make lots of money from it is not my main goal. It would be delightful for it to take off and make a lot! However, I told myself a long time ago to be realistic.

The process of self-publishing is relatively simple through amazon. Coupled with a few other apps that I used to design the cover and text. I was incredibly surprised because it certainly isn’t the way it used to be. There was a long process, you would get a publisher or agent, and things progress from there. I found myself dreaming of a fantasy world where I became a best-seller, went on a book tour, you get the point.

I never thought of it as a pipe dream, but I did recognize that it was not practical. But life isn’t always about being practical and pragmatic. I decided a few months ago that I didn’t want to live life on life’s terms. I wanted to live on my terms without limitations. My lovely late grandmother told me in what was one of the roughest times in my life, and I quote, “you need to take back the remote control and press your own buttons again.” Now, it took me many more years to fully grasp her words, but they stuck with me and continued to carry them through more difficult times in life.

What I’m trying to say is that I took back control. I ended up quitting my environmental sustainability program at university and started to write full time again. It wasn’t my first degree, and as I approach my 29th birthday in a few days, I knew I had made the right choice. Who knows one day I may get another, but it wasn’t right for me anymore. I decided to be selfish for once and take a chance on me. If you’re wondering how It felt or if you weren’t, I’ll tell you anyway. It was terrifying and exhilarating, but I don’t regret any of it. Take a chance on yourself, you might be surprised.

Until next time